Somewhere the person in charge of our calendar has designated May as ‘Zombie Awareness Month’. Generally I don’t pay attention to these manufactured ‘observational’ days ever since the Sweetest Day fiasco of 1988. The world has gone hog wild with ‘National Left-Handed Chiropractor Day’ and ‘June Is German Sheppard Appreciation Month’. (I do want all the German Sheppard’s out there, especially the ones who live on my street, to know that I sooo appreciate them! Nice doggy.)
I mean who can keep up?
But I find myself being sucked in to Zombie Awareness Month simply for the many educational opportunities it provides. However, I have a few bones to pick (Ha! He said bones! Zombies…bones…get it? I kill me!) with the creator of the calendar.
First of all, you can’t be ‘Zombie Aware’ for just a month. Zombie Awareness is a lifestyle choice. To fully live this lifestyle you must constantly be on your guard. Not just in the month of May, but every single day of the year. A zombie outbreak can occur at any time. What happens if you make it through May and a zombie virus breaks out June 3? Are you going to be the loser who says “Dang, if only this had happened May 17th I would have been more aware.” Not if you are properly immersed in the zombie awareness lifestyle.
Those of us who live zombie aware for 365 days a year are ever vigilant. We know that the undead can rise at any time. For example, you’ve been invited to your niece’s graduation party? When you enter, the first thing you will want to do is check that all the exits are clear. I advocate carrying a machete at all times but I have also been disinvited from a few events for doing so. If you think the machete will clash with the decorations, then don’t go to the party strapped. But do take an inventory of the available items that can easily be made into weapons. That silver serving tray can come in handy if Aunt Matilda suddenly turns and wants to chomp your brain. The spoon in the punch bowl? Perfect for penetrating a zombie’s eye socket.
The trunk of your car must be turned into a mobile arsenal. Be sure to check the local laws in your state. Certain governments and municipalities have turned a blind eye to the coming zombie menace. The Man may not understand why you roll with several shotguns in the trunk. However, better to pay a fine or even spend a few days in the pokey than be caught unprepared. Your car can become your salvation if all of a sudden the Movie Theater or grocery store becomes a zombie all-you-can-eat-buffet.
These are just a few tips. For more ideas on how you can come both aware and prepared to slay the undead, I recommend you check out my book Jack and Jill Went Up To Kill: A Book of Zombie Nursery Rhymes. With simple repetitive rhymes (cut off their heads with a carving knife, cut off their heads with a carving knife, etc.) and easy to follow illustrations you’ll learn gain valuable insight on becoming more zombie aware.
And you might want to add a shepherd’s crook to your trunk. It’s a handy weapon to have and you can always tell the police you were just being ready in case a rogue band of sheep appears somewhere. Worked for Little Bo Peep. Just sayin’…
Follow Michael P Spradlin on twitter @MSpradlinAuthor